So you’ve landed yourself a prime movie script. It screams star headliners, it promises lots of action, and it’s contemporary: Muslims are a key element. Miami homes

There are some vital things all film-makers should know when approaching such a juicy topic as Muslims and the War Against Terror though. In the wrong hands, it could end up clichéd, hammy and a box-office bomb. Of course, the only bombs you want going off are those in your movie, so pay close attention as Satirical Muslim offers a brief rundown of some essentials when making films about or involving Muslims. Miami condos

Opening credits

There’s nothing more creative than beginning your film with a shot of a mosque against a pale orange sky. The Muslim call to prayer (adhan) must accompany this shot. It’s haunting, and totally sets the mood for the rest of your film. The viewer just knows some American bad asses will be kickin’ some Bin Laden butt. This opening shot will also be perfect for the opening shot of your trailer.

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So you always knew you’d never be the next Brad or Angie, but you’ve always known you’re special and all you needed was the right audience to appreciate your exquisite skill as a speaker and deep thinker. Now is the perfect time to milk the public hysteria.

So are you finding yourself a frequent member of panels or audiences of TV forums? Are you the sound bite guy standing in front of the local mosque on the evening news? This is your time to shine. Satirical Muslim offers its guide to making the most of your media gigs.

1. Buy a good dictionary

Sure, you know your community like the back of your best friend Abdul’s hand, but this isn’t the small time. This is the Big Time! You might end up on 60 Minutes, or if you’re really lucky, Kerri-Anne.

Besides your disarming charm and modest but arresting good looks, you’ll require some fancy vocabulary. Find some really long words that are hard to pronounce. Don’t worry about whether their meanings correspond with your point. No one watching will know the word but they’ll marvel that you do as you effortlessly sprinkle big words throughout your responses. Start with ‘mendacious’.

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Following on from the astounding success of her autobiography, Infidel, Ayaan Hirsi Ali has said that she plans to keep promoting her book and its central message of hatred through book tours, and has also indicated that an “Infidel” theme park is in the pipeline.

“I’m Muslim but I don’t believe in anything except book sales. I don’t believe in all of the reporters in front of me, I don’t believe in this microphone or the chair I’m sitting on, and I certainly don’t believe in being original,” she told reporters at a Sydney press conference.

In Sydney for this year’s Writer’s Festival, Hirsi Ali emphasised that all who were present must take away one main theme from her interview. “I hate Muslims and Islam. But it’s making me a lot of money and some very cool friends who feature on Fox News a lot, so I figure I’ll keep milking it,” she said.

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The Regressive Muslim Union (RMU) today called for a boycott on boycotts. Satirical Muslim exclusively interviewed spokesman Tu Koul.

“We basically got sick and tired of Muslims boycotting stuff. One day it’s Israel, the next it’s the United States, then it was Sweden. Now, it’s Rosie O’Donnell. The madness has got to stop.

“You can call for boycotts till the cows come home, but it does not detract from the important issues facing our community. We need more female imams leading mixed congregations; more Muslim soldiers in the US army; more funding from Congress. That kind of thing.”

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Have a Muslim in your employ or as your co-worker? Feeling a little frightened? Alone? We at Satirical Muslim understand the situation will be different for various employers and co-workers.

So in order to ease the oft-difficult teething process of bringing a Muslim into your team, Satirical Muslim offers its guide to dealing with Muslims in the workplace for both the Nervous Employer and the Overly-Accommodating Employer.

FOR THE NERVOUS EMPLOYER

The beliefs

Do not quip about your “infidel” status. We get it. Ha ha. You’re an unbeliever. But your employee works for you, not a renegade militia in the Afghan mountains. Don’t feel suspicious because of your differences. It’s dangerously possibly the Muslim man or woman is just working for you to earn an income to provide for their families — not unleash jihad on your infidel capitalist system. Put aside your disappointment and suck it up — and stop calling the terrorism hotline.

Finally, when asking your Muslim employee questions, it’s not a good idea to respond with, “That’s so stupid. Welcome to the 21st century!” Reactions to these kinds of judgments will vary. Although Islam is a religion of peace, the same can’t always be said for Muslims. Just something to bear in mind.

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